A LIFE, UNORTHODOX.

A COLLECTION OF INAPPROPRIATE EXCHANGES WITH MY PARENTS AND FRIENDS PLUS SELF-SATISFYING TRUTH BLURBS FROM PAST AND PRESENT WITH INCLUSIONS OF MY MOST HILARIOUS, IF NOT EMBARRASSINGLY DEGRADING, YET SOMETIMES SENTIMENTAL, LIFES STORIES IN A PLACE OF ALL WORDS WHERE I CAN BE CRUDELY AND HONESTLY MY UNORTHODOX SELF

FICUS PLANT BITCHES

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In the Gardening Center at Lowe’s today, I was trying to get out of an aisle only to have my exit blocked by a very slow moving husband and wife duo who haven’t learned that, when shopping, walking like Tusken Raiders is the best way to travel. Remember in Titanic when the ship was sinking and all the passengers were trying to make their way to the back of the ship for safety? And Jack and Rose were behind a priest and Jack was all like, “You want to walk a little faster through that valley, there?”

Yeah, I felt like that.

However, I was patient, with an ungodly amount of cool, though the man behind me was just the opposite. As suddenly I heard him mumble under his breath, “Get the fuck out of my way.” I turned to him, with an “Oh, no you di’nt!” *wave finger* attitude (sassy like a black girl, not sassy like a gay) and said, “I know you aren’t talking to me.” He said, “No. I’m talking to the people in front of you.” In which I replied, “And your point? Well here is mine: don’t talk to people like that or I’ll whack you in the face with your ficus plant.” 

Just because you’re 50, a swinger from the ugly tree, and haven’t gotten laid because you’re too lazy to take a feather duster to the cobwebs of your wife’s pussy, doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful to total strangers without just reasoning. Plus, you kind of ruined Succulent Shopping Day for me.

I hate people.

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